so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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