Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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