So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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