your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
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