If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
