Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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