I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
