There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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