my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
