So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
you never un-have a 4some
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
