just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
