i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
