Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
