Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
