We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
