at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
