I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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