I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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