2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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