If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
