so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
