i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
