The maid of honor just puked.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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