After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize