I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
