I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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