# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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