allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
