They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
