Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
