I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
