Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Oh god it's open bar.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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