So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
