im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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