i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
