I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
