Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
