I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
