i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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