the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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