Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
