I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
