U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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