i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
