Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
