I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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