dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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