Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Don't make out with my wife yet
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
