just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
