Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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